my job! :)

http://www.kpbs.org/news/2012/oct/26/new-private-neonatal-rooms-kaiser-patients-and-fam/#.UIttkvL6gtN.facebook

Gettin a little bit stronger.

The other day Lisa and I were driving, and she looks over at me and says, "Out of all the things we've been through this year, we're getting stronger and stronger everyday, and once we come out of this, we are going to come out on top.  People will see."

To all of the people who gave up on us, it's your loss.  To all who have been there during these hard times, thank you for believing in us.  We love you all so very much.

We still miss mom everyday, but we're moving on and getting a little bit stronger.  EVERYDAY :)

My shadow days are over.

Our Challenges

When all we see,
is darkness and gloom.
We feel totally helpless,
while running from doom.

We eventually confront,
our inner brick wall.
Our choice is to break it,
or give up and fall.

We may search for our strengths,
waiting patiently deep inside.
From life’s obstacles,
there’s no reason to hide.

All our challenges,
we must embrace and defeat.
As we open our eyes,
our true purpose we’ll greet.

Let’s take a step outside,
our routine comfort zone.
This will carve a path,
where our goals we shall own.

Our personal challenges,
quite difficult may seem.
But, if we believe in ourselves,
life will be as sweet – as a dream.

by anitapoems.com

Keep on keepin' on!

"Time to photoshop my life. Touch up the edges, adjust the tones, blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out." --Unknown

Life has changed in so many ways these past four months since mom has been gone.  This is an adjustment.  I still sometimes don't believe it's real.

God, thank you for bringing me peace and comfort when I need you.  I wish people embraced you more, I KNOW the world would be a much better place.

To my sisters and dad- love you with all my heart.  We're in this crazy ride without momma now, but she gave us the right tools to make it through the rest of our lives.

To the people that have left my life recently, thank you for the good times.  I will always cherish the memories.  I am a better person for knowing you all.  Life goes on.  Time to close this chapter in my life and finally say hello to the next one.  It's gonna be a beautiful chapter, I just know it :)

Love is not enough....

"Love Is Not Enough" by Jo Dee Messina


Sometimes I have to tell myself to keep on breathing
My heart is not believing you're gone
I try hard to remind myself time will do the healing
'Cause right now I'm not feeling all that strong

Everything's a memory
And they're taunting me
Just one simple thing
And I'll break down and cry

Chorus:
Why I wanna scream it's just not fair
Pray to god I didn't care
I wanna turn back time
Turn back time and have you here with me
I want to find someone to blame
But sometimes life gets in the way
And it doesn't care how much we love
'Cause sometimes love is just not enough

Oh we took a chance we gave it all we had and couldn't make it
It didn't work for all the times we tried
No matter how we loved, it seemed the odds were stacked against us
Now we have to live our separate lives

Well I'm not ready yet
Too much to forget
Oh it still feels like
A part of me is dying

Repeat chorus

Sometimes love is just not
How come love is just not
Enough

thoughts

I am feeling.... lots of emotions lately...here's what I can compute what's going on in my head now...

1). I'm more accepting of losing mom.  She is still in my dreams, so I know she is around and loving us in the way that she can.  I love you so much mom, but I know you would tell me right now that I just have to carry on and tough it out, because that is exactly what you did when your parents went to Heaven.

2). In the need of getting on with my life, I am becoming more flexible by not having expectations of anything I once had.  Once I started to think that I was in complete control of my life, God stepped in and changed that.  I am here for a purpose to serve him ultimately, which I am still discovering...and probably will be for the rest of my life.  So we'll see what life brings in the future.. with the good and the bad....

3).  In loosing mom, I have re-discovered myself in a sense.  I believe she was destined to go to Heaven for a few reasons;
                           a). God needed her back.  ( I hope I get to find out why someday)
                           b). Her mission here on earth was completed.
                           c). My family and I can find our own path individually without mom's
                                influence (she was such a strong leader in our family that instead of us thinking on  
                                our own, we turned to her for advice on everything).

4). I hate that people don't understand what I am going through (besides my dad and sisters).  I have lost a couple friends that I thought would be around forever, only to find out, they only liked the "fun" Heather, and disregarded the Heather that was sad, depressed, and not herself.  The bad times will show you who truly cares.  Everyone is selfish to a certain point, but finding the friends that stick around during the horrible storm, will ultimately reap the benefits after the storm has passed.

Everyone will go through a hard time in this life.  How you react to it is what matters.  Who you surround yourself with is what matters. Just learn and apply the knowledge.  GROW. ALWAYS.

Smile!

Life

Life is full of surprises and shocks

while we are planning and deciding

our next move,

our course of action

It moves in opposite direction,

without warning

while we spend a lifetime, 

thinking and planning

about our future, 

our loved ones

It takes a step further beyond our thinking

everything about life is always uncertain

the only thing constant thing about it is 

it is always moving

so keep moving, 

keep smiling always

Source: Life Is full Of Surprises, Poem about Life Struggles http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/life-is-full-of-surprises#ixzz1wQgFaowv 
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com 

missin you

I miss you mommy.  It's been almost 4 months since you left, and on June 3rd, it will be your baby boy's birthday and the day you were diagnosed with cancer last year.  What a year......

I hope Heaven is a blast, I can't imagine how beautiful it must be.  God is surely happier than I because he has one of his best angels back in Heaven.

We all miss you so very much.  I am not whole anymore.  When you left, a part of me left with you.  I am broken.  I have turned to God to help save me, and he has thus far.  I just pray for strength for the family and I.  You were our rock, mom.  You were the glue that held this entire family together.  You were our EVERYTHING.

But, as they say, the only thing that doesn't change in life, is change itself. Change happened, and we must move on.  We will never forget you.  There is NEVER a day or a second you are not in my thoughts.  Every decision I make for the rest of my life will have a consideration of, "What would mom think or say about this?"

I love you mommy, with everything that I have.

Appreciate Life

“Appreciate Life”

by Janzynn May, Aug. 2, 2008

life is a precious gift not everyone can have,

some can live longer while others die young.lucky are those who have sight of the worldfor some develop blindness and others are born blind.blessed are those who can spend time with their familiesfor orphans are deprived to have one and those who live alone.be sorry to those who are unable to speakfor they cannot say the words they long to be heard.yet fortunate are those who are able to talkfor they have all the chances to say “I love you” to their loved ones.

gracious are those who have the sense of hearing

for they can listen and sing along to the music that heals their souls.blest are those with bright schemes and brilliant mindsfor they are the ones more favored to walk along the roads of success and prosperity.but happier are the poor and the averagefor they can easily find felicity and contentment with just what they have and with what they can have.pity to those who are sick and dyingfor they are running out of time to pursue and realize their dreams.blissful are we ’cause we are endowed with life’s best –our families, friends, food, shelter and wholeness.

so, open your eyes and thank GOD you’re alive.

go around and see the BEAUTY of the world.follow your DREAMS and realize them.spare TIME with your loved onesand grab every chance to say and show how much you LOVE thembefore TIME plays with you…

live your life like there is no tomorrow.

Angels in the stars

Angels In The Stars © Sara Manis God saw I was getting tired as he put his arms around me as he whispered come with me There is a place for you in heaven where there is no suffering and no pain all you have to do is look up to the sky and know that you will see me As I am an angel in the stars what a great place to be I am an angel of God and a sparkle I shall be Know that I'm watching over you just look up and see I'm looking watching over you please don't be sad for me I'm your angel in the stars where I am happy now you will see and one day you will be with me Source: Angels In The Stars, Moving On Poem after Death http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/angels-in-the-stars#ixzz1sHhSeUoQ www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

quotes of mom

quotes mom said

January 29th, 2012 in the afternoon:

"Where are the gothic people?"

"We gotta do the plumbing."

"It's colorful" (mom was reaching out and grabbing things)

"Shiny"

"They're innocent"

"We have to go to the back to get the purple and orange bucket, and I don't want it to take 45 minutes again."

She looked up and raised her hand hand up

"She is a forty year old"

Mom: "Dad!"
Heather: "Do you see Dad?"
Mom: "A little bit."

Mom was drinking tea

"They don't change"

"Post office is 47 years old"

Heather gave her ice cream and she said, "No! You're really going to mess me up!"

"They have a lot of nerve! Who is coming to get me?!"

"25 dollars a year."

"None of the kids tomorrow when they wake up.  They don't have any of the experience like you do."
(talking to Heather)

She is eating and says, "It's lousy!"

She looks out the window and sees rain

Dad made her breathe
sally says, "You could spank him," and mom hit him

"It is beautiful."

"I need new furniture."

"They'll teach me, I'll track it down."

Sang "I'm a little teapot" with Dad

"I've never saw a dog like that"

Dad asked mom what she wanted, and she said hamburger with fries.

"Everybody wears the same outfits."

Picked up Lisa's hand and danced with her

"Satan is in the other place." then she talked about a second door through heaven and put hand to other door and said it was beautiful.

"goodnight everyone."

"What does dad say about the panel?"

Humming for a few seconds

"Looks like nice families"

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

After getting admitted for a low blood pressure on January 26th, 2012, a new scan showed that mom's cancer had spread even further.  The new chemo wasn't working.  Oncologist said, "There's nothing else we can do."  We all cried.  We didn't know how much longer she had, all we knew was this was the end of the road.

I can't believe that the center of my world was leaving.  Really? The woman who did anything and everything for my family and I isn't going to be with us anymore.  I was in shock.


I knew she had cancer, but I didn't think all of this was going to go down so soon.  I thought, "Aren't people supposed to have cancer for a couple years before they go on hospice?", and "Why? WHY? WHY?"  

Mom joined Jesus on Feb. 5th, 2012 after only a week on hospice.  She is now our angel in heaven, building a beautiful tea garden and with other loved ones she has missed all these years.

Mom said and did some pretty incredible things during her last week and half of her life, too much to write right now, but I promise, I will eventually write it for you all to see.


She was the love and joy of our lives and always will be.  We miss you so much already mom, but I know you are okay and I can't wait till we are all together once again.  You don't have cancer anymore.  You are free.  I love you with all of my heart.  Thank you for being my mommy.

Found this beautiful poem and wanted to share it with you all:

Our Hearts Will Always Touch

© Ranja Kujala

When I laid there beside you,

Could you feel me there?

My arms were wrapped around you,

And I was stroking your hair.

I was talking about all the good times,

For me they were every single day.

I wanted you to feel love and comfort,

And happy in some way.

I watched your every breath,

And prayed that each one wasn't your last.

The time we got to share together,

Went by too quick...Too fast.

I wanted you to wake up,

Please Mum...Open your eyes.

Tell me this is a nightmare,

And not our goodbyes.

As your last breath grew closer,

We lay there peacefully together.

My heart continually breaking,

Because I wanted you forever.

Then there it was,

Your final breath of air.

I didn't want to believe it,

This is so cruel and not fair.

I held your beautiful face,

And prayed you'd breath again.

I wasn't ready for you to go,

I couldn't admit that this was the end.

But then I realized that you were now in peace,

And not suffering anymore.

You were beginning the life of an Angel,

And your body would no longer be sore.

I held you close and squeezed you tight,

And tried to say goodbye.

I've lost my Mum and my number one best friend,

All my heart could do is cry.

I slowly got up,

I wanted so much to stay.

I leaned over and gave you one more kiss,

It was so hard to walk away.

Mum you are my entire world,

And I miss you so very much.

I wish I could feel your loveable cuddle,

And your soft and gentle touch.

But for now I have to wait,

Until we meet again.

You will always be in my heart and thoughts,

My dear Mum and best friend.

Always and Forever,

Our hearts will always touch.

Always and Forever,

Your baby girl loves you so much.

Source: Our Hearts Will Always Touch, Cancer Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/our-hearts-will-always-touch#ixzz1jrYNwnVx 
Family Friend Poems 

Expressions

Mom has been doing okay lately.  She's still pretty drowsy from all the pain meds which has caused her to take a couple falls but she was luckily alright, and has lost some weight.  Doctor says we need to start giving her more protein shakes and try to make her eat as many calories as her body allows.  She is currently on the second round of Alimta.   She has been having a lot of nausea in the mornings, but overall less pain, thankfully.  I hate seeing her have pain. One more round, and then the next PET scan to see how the current chemo is working.  

Pray everyone.

I have been thinking of a way to always keep mom a part of me wherever I go, so I decided to get a tattoo with some of her favorite things, the hummingbird and alberta wild rose.  

I absolutely LOVE it.  

It is beautiful and elegant in every way, just like momma. 

Here is a pic!

"My body is a journal in a way.  It's like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself." 

~Johnny Depp

Prayer

"God, You wept as Lazarus was laid into the tomb, yet You also gave him new life. Grant me new life, too, as I journey through mom's cancer. Hold my hand no matter how rocky the path, and remind me, no matter how badly I feel, that I am Your beloved child, with whom You are well pleased. Heal me in body, mind, and spirit, and make me whole again in You. Amen."

Strength

A Woman Of Strength

A woman of strength,

Has courage to face the day,

And the confidence,

To handle whatever comes her way.

A woman of strength,

Has so much love to give,

And more compassion,

It gives her a reason to live.

A woman of strength,

Can face trouble with more hope,

Face adversity,

Always finding the strength to cope.

A woman of strength,

Can take the bad with the good,

And learn from it all,

With a sense of pride that’s understood.

A woman of strength,

Can conduct herself with grace,

Hold her head up high,

And dignity always has its place.

A woman of strength,

Can face almost anything,

And can look forward,

To what the future will possibly bring…

{©2008 Jan Brooks}

You are strong momma!  Keep fighting! 


LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE.